I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
