i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
