The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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