i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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