There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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