My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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