I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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