Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
