Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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