i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
