My hand turned me down
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
