He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
