Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
