sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
