I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The air taste purple.
Randomize
