The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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