I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
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