It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
