so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
