Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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