mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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