seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
