i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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