Cold hands, warm shart.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
