Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
