Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
they need to just BURY HIM!
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
