i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
