I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
