There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
