Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
