I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
