WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
