When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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