Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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