The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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