I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
