I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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