Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
