whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
you had me at cake vodka
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
