I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
