I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
