the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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