WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
