I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
