You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
