hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
