508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
