you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
