If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
