I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
