the condom got lost in my hair
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
