can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
