Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
